Long haul

It's been a long haul of getting a Masters degree, a diploma in Tropical Nursing, Wilderness first aid certification, courses in International development, volunteering, and endless wondering if I am pursuing the right course of working overseas in the Global South once again.


Rejections and silence from numerous applications for the past year. In some cases, my 3 degrees and year in Kenya noted as "not enough" or my lack of french skills disqualifying from working in non-french speaking countries.


I've been confused more often than not. Has all this work and effort been in vain? Have I been following my own singular and selfish path?


Recently though, a glimmer of hope. After emails back and forth and communication delays, I have finally received an offer! Someone is nuts enough to take me on!


I have been offered a 6 month opportunity in Tabora, Tanzania with CARE Canada. They have been working to improve access to maternal health in the community and rural areas for some time and recently had a request from the director of the Regional hospital in Tabora for some help to assess and plan for their maternal and reproductive health in the hospital. They were seeking someone who could come along side people at the hospital to:

•    assess the Tabora Regional Referral Hospital maternal and child health services and practices   including management, administrative practices, quality and health information; 

•    Develop plan in conjunction with CARE and Kitete Hospital staff to strengthen the maternity ward, outreach program, referral system, and, 

•    To build management, administrative and patient-care capacity in the maternity ward of the Kitete Hospital

And as per Murphy's law, as soon as I accepted the position, I had 2 more interview requests for jobs I had applied for months ago! But I trust that this experience will be a great opportunity to build my experience for more future work overseas.

I am simultaneously really excited and really terrified! While I know it has been a 6 year journey to get to this point, I will always have some nervous anxiety about what I am doing! I know when I get there I'll have some private breakdowns of crying and wondering why I have put myself in a position of knowing nothing and no one! But after a week or two, I'll start settling in, once again getting used to people yelling "mzungu" at me, or trying to touch my hair or skin.

Thanks to everyone who has listened to me endlessly talk about my desire of moving overseas (okay, it's always about sanitation). 

So, if you know anyone who wants to sublet my place (just blocks from Kits beach!) for 6 months, let me know! I’ll be leaving about mid-October!

a career in crap

I sometimes wonder if I have set myself in the wrong direction. If getting this Master in Public Health and hoping to go overseas again is just a daydream and I will wake up to reality soon. Having lived in Vancouver for three years now (!), I have had fleeting thoughts of saving for a condo, trying to get a second date (never get past the first!), carving out a space for myself here, seeing my family more, getting more involved in life in Canada. It is getting harder to remind myself what the end goal is as memories of what has been are fading. But then I'll hear something inspiring or have a vivid recollection of an important moment and it all comes back to me.

The weekend started with class - I spend one full weekend per month at the university being overloaded with enough information to cause brain damage. In "Social Determinants of Health", I introduced myself - "My name is Alida and I love sanitation. I will probably use every and any opportunity to talk about crap. Just to warn you." The professor looked slightly uncomfortable but amused and dryly said, "I can't wait to read your final paper." Over the course of the weekend my conversations inevitably make some reference to sanitation and I secretly question whether I like the attention of the shock value that it brings or that I still actually have a love for sanitation.

And when I start to harbour those secret doubts and the gnawing feeling of "but life could be so uncomplicated if you stay in Vancouver", i am delightfully reminded that my passion for all things sanitation is indeed genuine and not a fabrication to generate some laughs. I listened to Shane Claibourne speak this evening and he reminded of one of my favourite author's writings on vocation. Frederick Buechner wrote "Vocation is where our greatest passion meets the world’s greatest need." It was such an affirmation that I am not only called, but blessed, to have discovered a passion for what is truly the world's greatest need. We take our porcelain thrones for granted, but sanitation is the single greatest successful public health intervention known to mankind. Adequate disposal of crap is the biggest life saver on the face of the planet. And yet 2.6 billion people still have no toilet, latrine, outhouse, crapper, or even a hole in the ground. It's the world's greatest need.

I have to ask in wonderment, Who am I that I should be so blessed to pursue a vocation and a passion for the world's greatest need!!

Yes, professors raise their eyebrows at me, people politely laugh at me, classmates likely tire of me (and my crap stories), but I count myself so amazingly fortunate to be one of the few who can disregard (most of the time), "the great blaring, boring, banal voice of our mass culture, which threatens to deafen us by blasting forth that the only thing that really matters is.... salary and status" but instead listen to "the voice that we might think we should listen to least, and that is the voice of our own gladness." (Frederick Buechner, The Hungering Dark)

I am glad when I talk about crap.
I look forward to making a career out of crap.

joy unspeakable

in a christmas program i attended this past sunday evening, these words, sandwiched in a longer sentence, struck me.

joy unspeakable

perhaps because the words seemed reversed that they particularily stood out. i think more because in the past two years i have experienced joy in my life in ways i have never experienced before.

some people close to me have reflected that i am a different person when i speak of, or when i am in, africa. my conversation becomes more animated, my eyes change, excitement starts building from somewhere deep in my chest cavity. i literally do not control it.

this is joy. it is much more than being happy. it is total and utter contentment, no matter the circumstances. it is understanding that i have been so incredibly blessed to having discovered my calling in life. i am learning to allow that joy seep into my canadian life as well. i felt it when danny, a man who sells a street paper in my neighbourhood, gave me a bear hug yesterday.

joy unspeakable

joyful moments caught in megapixels

i met Hannah, a 12 year old girl in the IDP camp. a week earlier a colleague and i had taken her to emergency to have her broken arm set. my colleague helped the mother navigate the system while i helped the xray tech set multiple fractures.

we were delighted to meet again.

in maasai land while on a safari.

just joyful. just because.

joy x 6

visiting the home of little kenyan alida (the baby)

the adoptive aunt is a kind, caring, and generous woman

who has her hands full with 3 daughters and 2 adopted nieces.

swing and jump.

skipping rope.

pretty simple game.

nothing more than a piece of rope and the ability to swing and jump.

i had been walking through a camp for internally displaced people (idp) in kenya in february 2008. 20,000 kenyans living in a space called the showgrounds, no larger than a couple of football fields; or something the size of the stampede grounds in calgary. actually, probably smaller.

i had sat in the dirt and talked to mama's cooking over their three stone fires, chatted with a 98 year old man whose maize and farm was burned by his neighbour of 50 years, i was nearly stampeded by a few hundred people who heard that dried fish was being distributed.

i retreated to the bleachers that are usually for patrons who are showing off their cows for market. i needed space from the growing crowd of children who were clinging to me. i needed to digest the fact that this overflowing campground was one of hundreds that had rapidly become a "safe" place after a stunted genocide.

i sat there hating the hatred that sent these people here.

i sat there wondering what on earth one does with 300,000 displaced people.

i sat there feeling defeated and deflated.

i sat there feeling sorry for myself.

and then i saw her. this little girl skipping rope. amidst supper cooking, laundry drying, men drinking, tents sagging. this little girl skipping rope. so simple. so natural. so normal.

i saw hope.

not in the politicians negotiating power. not in the ambassadors urging peace. not in the ngo's giving food. not even in my little arrogant self with little to give.

the tilt of her head and the light on the rope and the swing of her skirt.

hope.

swing and jump.

hope.

swing and jump.

hope.

swing and jump.

watu wakenya

stunning

strong

courageous

determined

selfless

this grandmother lost all of her children to HIV/AIDs

and is raising all her grandchildren.

when she should be retired and resting

she is gathering firewood

and hauling water

and changing nappies.

and she is still grateful

and lives with joy

humbling me

everyday grace

i want to begin sharing the stories of my year in kenya that had a profound impact on me.

the people of kenya often saved me from myself.

enjoy the coming blog posts as a celebration of a life changed in kenya.

mine.

love them in the moment.

BBC radio became one of my best friends while living in Kenya. I spent my evenings listening to world report and even relied on their reporters to find out what was going on in town during the post election crisis.

here is a story about the street boys (mostly, there are some girls as well) that live on the streets of eldoret, passing their days by sniffing glue and trying to help you park your car for a few shillings. one tried to sell me a cell phone he had just stolen out of a car. they were mostly good kids, but from poor homes, gone to the city to find food or make money and end up hooked on glue.

it is likely that i have encountered the children in these photos. i was at a loss as what to do with the strung out 8 year old boy or the pair of 9 year old girl prostitutes. they told me the rescue centre was horrible, if they were fed, and they could get more food on the street from well wishers. they "work" by helping stop traffic when you want to park your car or they will

"protect" your car in the evenings while you are at the grocery store. their future looks grim - their brains are fried, they miss all their developmental milestones, they don't go to school.

all i could do was try to love them in the moment.

Orphans continue a tough struggle on the streets

By Will Ross BBC News, Eldoret, Kenya A report by Save the Children says that four out of five children in orphanages still have a living parent. Orphanage life means that millions of children are unnecessarily at risk of the widespread dangers of living in institutions, including rape, exploitation, trafficking and beatings. Many orphaned children in Kenya prefer life on the streets In Kenya a combination of a lack of money, physical abuse, the effects of HIV/AIDS and last year's inter-tribal violence are taking their toll. Many children forced onto the streets are pushed into a life of crime. 'The Barracks' Just off the main street running through the centre of Eldoret you will find an army of glue-sniffing street kids. Almost all the children have a small bottle of glue hanging from their mouths and with glazed eyes they appear semi tranquilised. "It makes me sleepy and I have less stress," says 15-year-old Jimmy, who after years on the streets looks younger than 10. "I live on the verandas in a box," he tells me. "Life here is very hard with no food, nowhere to sleep and no-one to care for you," says Evans Kariuki. "It is not safe. You can die here. People fight. There is a lot of violence. The police come sometimes and take you and beat you." Broken families In another part of Eldoret I meet Mary, her husband James and their six-year-old daughter Grace. Neither of them have regular employment and their single-room home smells of an illegal alcoholic brew - one way of raising a few coins to buy food. Mary and her daughter Grace struggle through poverty on a daily basis They were a family of four, but at the age of seven Juma ran away for a life on the streets. "I tried to look for him but it was difficult because his friends on the streets kept hiding him," said James. Mary is sure Grace will not follow in her brother's footsteps. "I can take care of her because she is a girl," said Mary before adding that Grace had been going to nursery school, but she is now at home because they cannot afford the fees of less than $20 (£12) a term. New hope I later meet Juma at a centre for former street children. Now 13, he is getting food and goes to a primary school thanks to ECCO - Ex Street Children Community Organisation. Many children have been rehabilitated, but problems still remain "I ran away because I was beaten at home. Life used to be good at home but whenever I made a mistake my mother beat me. Once my finger was even cut with a knife, "said Juma who now dreams of becoming a pilot. For the staff at ECCO discipline is a challenge. "The hardest thing is keeping them in line - asking them to follow rules which they are not used to and most of them have been sniffing glue for years so stopping that is hard," said Mercy Rotich, the programme officer for social work and education at ECCO. Hard struggle As I leave the centre there is news of another crisis. A 13-year-old street boy has been raped and after being discharged from hospital urgently needs a home. Institutions have sprung up in Eldoret to take in some of the street children but there are many complaints of inhumane treatment and concerns that they do not have the children's interest at heart. "You talk to a child who has been in a home for a few months and they do not want to go back. You talk to a child who has been in a home and they do not want to go back Mercy Rotich "They tell you about the problems of being beaten or denied food. These homes are getting money but the money is not reaching the beneficiaries," said Mercy Rotich. "Some of them are not going to school and yet there is money for them to be taken to school. They are not being taken back home yet they have funds to trace these homes." The government agrees that there are problems with some of the homes and knows some organisations are formed not to help the children but to make money. "Briefcase NGOs - I know they are there and they are possibly swindling money from the donors and funders and well-wishers. It is now our role to ensure that what is given to the child is not going to the dogs," said Philip Nzenge, the children's officer in charge of the district. 'Damning indictment' Back at The Barracks several street children told me they had run away from Eldoret Rescue Centre and preferred life on the streets. The Rescue Centre is a series of metal shacks perched on a hillside on the outskirts of town. The staff denied that children were beaten but admitted that some of them struggled to cope with order and discipline after a life on the streets. Although this is a step up from life on the streets, conditions for the 233 children are grim and bunk beds are crammed into the metal shacks. Staff said there was a plan to build permanent structures. I found a month-old girl there - born on the streets but perhaps destined to spend her next 18 years in this centre. It is no wonder then that Save The Children is calling for stricter monitoring of children's institutions. It also wants funds to be channelled into helping families support their children describing it as outrageous that children are separated from their families when they have parents who, given a bit of help, could look after them.

body parts

a few of you have asked me what i do in my free time and once in awhile i reply that i am constructing various body parts for an organization i volunteer for.

my emails between myself and people at the organization and another volunteer have become increasingly interesting...

"i'm just about done with the uteruses and i currently have 6 placentas in various stages of construction. how is the new stretchy perineum?"

i volunteer for an organization here in vancouver called Canadian Network for International Surgery. They teach improved surgical and obstetrical skills to African doctors in various countries. to demonstrate the theoretical aspects of emergency or surgical care they need something to practice on. ideally, one can do this before you get to an actual patient.

you can buy medical mannequins that look pretty real but they are quite expensive. so a number of people have designed a low-cost prototype that is currently made in Canada and carried over by a surgeon teaching the course. i volunteered to sew for CNIS without really knowing what it was i would be sewing. it's probably a good thing they don't advertise the specifics on their website. i may have not signed up to design a placenta.

so, here is an example of the medical mannequins that cost $500.

Birthing Simulator

Click picture to enlarge

$ 525.00

53x33x43 cm

8,0 kg

Birthing Simulator

and here is our version...

you say,

"but alida,

that is an upside-down cat carrier,

with padded walls...

for a psychotic cat perhaps?"

let me demonstrate how i have constructed and birthed a baby in my living room...

here is the top of the "mothers" abdomen.

what you see is a piece something that is supposed to simulate the skin.

it is actually made from vinyl, foam, and elastic and can be cut to be able

to simulate a c-section.

below is the underside of the piece...

if the baby decides to come out the right way, here she comes...

the front of the "cat carrier" is now a womens perineum.

baby is crowning...

almost there, keep pushing...

congrats, it's a girl, and look there is a healthy placenta!

my homemade placenta on the left and the expensive medical model on the right.

mine is made from stretchy purple material that i found in the bargain bin at a fabric store,

a piece of foam from the inside of a whoopee cushion procured at a dollar store, and

some coloured rope covered with glad "press n seal".

bet the old guy in the white suit never thought that press n seal would every be used to make an umbilical cord.

i must say, it works quite nicely.

i can't forget the uterus! it takes the most time to make...

you can remove the top abdominal piece and expose the inside of the "torso."

you are looking through the top of the cat carrier at the uterus and the bladder.

the uterus is made of red tshirt material and is the shape of a water bottle.

the neck of it is snapped to the "front door" and the baby and uterus fit inside.

someone very clever decided that 1980's shoulder pads would make perfect bladders.

the uterus is also covered in press n seal.

i don't think i will every be able to use that stuff for food now... maybe you won't either. sorry!

so, my weekend productivity will be used to instruct african doctors how to improve their surgical skills. who knew that my sewing skills would be put to such use...

i had once planned to go to design school and wanted to work for the likes of burton designing outerwear.

guess there was a change of plans.

i am now designing innerwear...

now, to clean up the disaster of my apartment for my guests coming tomorrow. not sure they want to sleep with the placentas that are currently strewn on the couch...

so, my friends, that is my body parts project. now you know, and i bet you wished you never asked :-)

the danger of a single story

a thought provoking, challenging, and funny TED talk by chimamanda adichie - a gifted nigerian writer.

me, a monk, and i

"my Lord God, i have no idea where i am going. i do not see the road ahead of me. i cannot know for certain where it will end. nor do i really know myself, and the fact that i think i am following your will does not mean that i am actually doing so. but i believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. and i hope i have that desire in all that i am doing. i hope that i will never do anything apart from that desire. and i know that, if i do this, You will lead me by the right road, though i may know nothing about it. therefore i will trust You always though i may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. i will not fear, you You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone."

"in one sense we are always traveling, and traveling as if we did not know where we were going.

in another sense we have already arrived.

we cannot arrive at the perfect possession of God in this life, and that is why we are traveling and in darkness. but we already possess Him by grace, and therefore, in that sense, we have arrived and are dwelling in the light.

But oh! how far have i to go to find You in Whom i have already arrived!"

"My God, i frankly do not understand your ways with me. you fill me with desires that people have been canonized for having and for carrying out. then You tell me to to carry them out, and You tell me in such a way that it would seem to be a sin if i carried them out. then You make the desires grow more and more until they consume the very foundations of my life. are You trying to kill me?"

"i will travel to You, Lord, through a thousand blind alleys.

You want to bring me to You through stone walls."

i've been reading "dialogues with silence" by thomas merton (all above quotes are written by merton).

outwardly, i have nothing in common with merton. he was a trappist monk who wore brown robes and lived on a commune. he was bald and probably gardened. i'm a girl living in vancouver with a growing collection of shoes and i like red sweaters. i live near the beach and don't pray for hours a day.

inwardly, i feel as though i am reading about my own inner struggle, though merton's writings are more than 50 years old and from a very different place. it is comforting to know that a guy who devoted his entire life to living strictly godly life struggled with solitude, silence, and finding God. i figured, if anyone has found God, it would be a monk in a scratchy robe.

i find comfort in these writings.

i am learning to sit in silence.

and in that silence, i am learning to hear the Spirit of God.

without Him ever saying a word.

water

ever thought about how much you pay for water by the litre? i mean other than when you pay $2 for a small bottle of water (that probably came out of the tap and was then bottled and sold as "extra purified"

I just read about the current price of water in the Nairobi slums - for one jerry can, which is about 20-30 litres of water, people have to pay over a dollar. so, the poorest people in the world, are paying more than their daily salary, for something simple, yet absolutely necessary. now, would i ever consider paying $300 for 20 litres of water? no, we would probably have protests and bring the government down for that kind of abuse.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/8144415.stm

i recently listened to a very old radio show with stuart mclean and peter gzowski, dated from 1986. They were talking about what they could get for a dollar at that time. Stuart mclean said that Toronto city water costs 5 cents for 25 gallons (enough to fill a phone booth if you still know what those are). The men then laughed about the fact that we pay a mere nickle for that large amount of water and then the city happily takes back the water we have dirtied, to clean it, process it, and purify it many times over. all for 5 cents for 25 gallons.

http://archives.cbc.ca/arts_entertainment/media/clips/12587/

(it is a pretty funny program actually - have a listen if you want to listen to old fashioned radio)

so, the wealthiest of the wealthy (yes, that includes all of us) pay the least amount for a life sustaining necessity, while the poorest of the poor pay prices that put gold to shame.

injustice at its best.

house hunting

i do not like looking for new places to live. likely because i often seem to make bad decisions and live in crappy places. my first year in calgary was a testament to that! my first "room" was in the basement of a house that i ended up sharing with a sketchy guy - i ended up calling the police because he was beating up his girlfriend on the front street. and the mice were eating my food, hearing the trap snap under my bed at night didn't help with sleeping either...

and then there was living with 5 chinese phd students in a house that has always had medical students living in it. cheap rent, check. bovine solution under the bathroom sink, check. a roommate with possible tb, check. 

i thought i had learned my lessons. when looking at apartments last december here in vancouver, i thought i was seeing nice places. the managers of one apartment that i really liked required my credit card number and bank account number on the application form. mmm, i think not.  i really liked my current place because of the neighbourhood and the "character" of the house. i should have caught on when the landlord starting telling me about his personal life during the viewing. i think the gas fireplace and in-suite washer and dryer were enticing me.

i am moving again. partly because i can't stand my apartment anymore. it is too dark and the landlord likes to throw many a dinner party. high heels on the hardwood floors sound like thunder.  they also sold the house and the new owners take possession at the end of the month. i wonder if they know the lady of the house just took the entire fireplace mantle with her. and thanks to the movers, i found out why the light on the mantle never worked. a screw had been drilled right through the cord. i think i have had enough mayhem with cords starting things on fire in my life...

so i went apartment hunting today. what was most interesting was seeing a part of strangers lives. one place was inhabited by a fairly messy and dirty guy. but he evidently snowboarded, biked, surfed, is a dj complete with 2 tables, and just finished a masters. mmm, like to meet him:-)

i'd like the meet the next guy more - this guy had a nice little bachelor, good taste in furniture, was tidy and clean, surfed, biked, read lots of books, AND tastefully decorated his apartment with skateboard decks mounted on the walls. he had apparently met tony hawk as evidenced by the signed deck. now, i really wanted to meet this guy!!

i was appalled by one girl. landlords have to give 48 hours notice that they are showing apartments. all these tenants know that their apartment is being shown to multiple strangers. the landlord opened the door, and literally the first thing i had to step over was a bright turquoise bra. next to the front door. dirty underwear was strewn a few steps further. granted it was a bachelor and so not very big, but seriously, leaving your underwear next to the front door?

the other apartment in that building, right next door to the dirty bachelor girl, is the apartment i am thinking of getting. it is a big one bedroom, hardwood floors, lots of south facing windows in the living room, a balcony, decent sized kitchen. the disadvantage is that i will have to carry my bike up 2-3 flights of stairs and keep it in the apartment. and the bedroom wall is shared with the next apartments bedroom wall. what if some "very active" person moves in there? i might need permanent ear plugs!

however, here is the clincher. the landlord starting telling me about his bad day because he had just put his 17 year old cat to sleep 2 hours before and he was having a rough time of it. he kept talking about the cat. that is not bad in and of itself, but my current landlord also told me sob stories while showing me the apartment and it has kind of sucked living here. do i take it as a bad omen that landlords tell me sob stories while showing me apartments? or do i just exude such caring and compassion that they feel compelled to tell me?
and here is another dilemma. this apartment is 800 metres from kitsilano beach and about 4 km from jericho beach. (i am currently about 800 metres from jericho). i like jericho beach better than kits beach... (i know, cry myself a river right)

so, do i consider taking this bright, sunny, roomy apartment with the sad landlord or do i hold out and hope something better comes along in the next 2 weeks?

i see 2 more places tomorrow... it will then be decision time...

any advice? are sad landlords a bad omen or do i go by how the place looks?

addendum:  the last place i saw is the one i got. a one bedroom with hardwood floors two blocks from kits beach with lots of big windows to let the sunshine in!  and a bike room, so no carrying my bike up 3 flights of stairs! yeah!

a day in the life of vancouver

here are a few photos of life in vancouver...

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=120535&id=528770294&l=fc4c7655fb

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=123292&id=528770294&l=f2e9aff3eb

these are the people in your neighbourhood...

i really like where i live. while it is "trendy" and expensive, i am quite happy with my choice to live in kitsilano.

the obvious aside, that i live next to the ocean in an old neighbourhood with big, old trees, i enjoy the fact that families go out for walks together, that i found a willow tree next to the ocean, that people walk to the grocery store, that the buses will be full on a friday night, that independent coffee shops and bookstores outnumber the chain stores, people take a bike ride for enjoyment, that i have the salty smell of sea in my nose...

but two of my favourite things are this: on the corner of 4th and macdonald, someone very mysterious puts out free things every day. a few weeks ago there was an entertainment unit complete with knick knacks. last week, there was a collection of comforters and pillows, over the weekend, a wedding dress hung on the fence with a collection of sneakers lined up underneath, and today, a kitchen sink. and people take them, because the stuff is always gone at the end of the day. 

i have been taking photos of them with my phone and if i can ever figure out how to get them off my phone and on a computer, i will.

but this early spring evening, a woman working in the garden made my day. i was walking along laden with grocery bags, and an old woman starts talking to me 

"wait!! wait! i need to tell you something!" 
she literally comes running from her garden to her front gate and starts looking at my grocery bags. i thought i had food falling out of them or something.

and here is what she tells me (in her exact words)

"so, someone asked, 
'where do moose come from?' 
and the other person said from moosejaw! 
and then the person said 'where do cows come from?' 
why from cowgary of course!"
(interjection of 'oh, now that one's funny isn't it)
but listen to this - a foreigner in australia asked one of those native folks 
'what are those things jumping around?'
and since the native person, you know, they didn't speak any english or anything, i mean why should they, said
'kangaroo - i don't know' (pregnant pause after this)
isn't that funny! kangaroo means i don't know in that native tongue!!
what is that native tongue anyway? i think in new zealand it is maori, is that right? well, gee i just don't know what it is in australia.
but isn't that cute. it is so great to tell children!! 

(at this point, i thought she meant that i was the child and she was telling me the joke)

and she continues " so go, tell a child that. isn't it precious! oh, they just love it! kangaroo - i don't know" i've read it in at least 4 different places, that kangaroo means that. oohh, children just love it...

i thanked the woman profusely and promised to tell children her joke. 
and i walked away smiling..