less like scars

It's been a hard year.
But I'm climbing out of the rubble.
These lessons are hard.
Healing changes are subtle.
But every day it's...
Less like tearing more like building.
Less like captive more like willing.
Less like breakdown more like surrender.
Less like haunting more like remember.
And I feel you here.
And you're picking up the pieces.
Forever faithful.
It seemed out of my hands a bad situation.
But you are able.
And in your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars and more like character.
Less like a prison more like my room.
Less like a casket more like a womb.
Less like dying more like transcending.
Less like fear, less like an ending...
And I feel you here.
And you're picking up the pieces.
Forever faithful.
It seemed out of my hands a bad situation.
But you are able.
And in your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars.
Just a little while ago.
I couldn't feel the power or the hope.
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing.
Just a little while back.
I was desperate, broken, laid out.
Hoping you would come.
And I need you.
And I want you here.
And I feel you...
And I feel you here.
And you're picking up the pieces.
Forever faithful.
It seemed out of my hands a bad situation.
But you are able.
And in your hands the pain and hurt.
look less like scars.
And in your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars.
And in your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars.
And more like character...
(lyrics by sara groves)

i have had some pretty tough times in my year here in kenya. i have had babies die in my arms after trying to resuscitate them for 5 hours. i watched a mother die of Aids and leave behind 4 children under the age of 11. i witnessed a man being beaten to death for petty theft. i coped my way through post-election violence and listened to horrific stories of torture and murder.

somehow, i have made it. but a recent event in my life has completely devastated me.

last week i was suddenly terminated from my position. i am not able to share the details with you but it was shocking, hurtful, confusing and devastating.

as the lyrics above say, "i am digging my way out of the rubble"

i am heading to tanzania at the end of this week for some R&R, to visit with a couple of friends, contemplate on the beach. i will be returning to canada sometime at the end of september. i don't know my exact plans from there. i will be seeking some re-entry counseling so that the transition goes as smoothly as it possibly can. from there, i don't know.

i don't know what else to say. i don't know what to pray. this morning in church we sang a song about casting our cares on God and allowing the Holy Spirit to come and fill us up. i started crying. i pray i can do both of those things.

i hope that i learn from this experience and grow into a better person that can continue serving God and people in whatever capacity he has planned for me.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers in this extremely difficult time.